One million people zero metres away on Grindr in Pitman Hall

Following the return to Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) campus, thousands of students are roaming the streets looking for love, companionship and casual gay sex from apps on their phones.

Over the past week the amount of “Grindrs” within 0 metres of Pitman Hall has grown to over 1.2 million. Head of analytics at Grindr Gaylord Statler noted that the amount of people being shown “single and ready to mingle” on the app is increasing at an alarming rate. 

“There aren't even a million people who live in that building let alone go to the school, our analysis team is in complete disarray,” said Statler. “The numbers are enlarging faster than a gay guy's penis when he sees a photo of Jonathan Bailey in his slutty little glasses.” 

First-year professional music student Elliot Winkley said that since his move into Pitman Hall, his stress has reduced by a significant margin, thanks to the amount of righteous buttsex he’s been having. 

“Imagine my surprise when I opened the app only to find over a million people on there just asking for it. I was in gay heaven, if that exists,” said Winkley. 

The Abnormal School spoke with several other first-year students living in Pitman Hall regarding the influx of Grindr users, with all asking to remain anonymous.

“I’ve been curating so much meat they might as well offer me a job in the dining hall,” said one student. 

“I was swiping right on everyone and I swear I saw a profile for Mohamed Lachemi, would hit though,” said another student. 

“Wait Grindr is for gay sex? Then on which app can I have sex with other straight men?” asked one more student.