TMU student group fights for their right to smoke in class

A group of students known as the Students Smoking Alliance (SSA) are protesting for their right to smoke in class as an academic accommodation. 

Following months of “totally legit scientific research” the SSA determined that smoking allows the user to learn class material more efficiently, stay focused and feel more relaxed. This study has started a campus-wide movement with more students smoking in class with everything from cigarettes, cigars, pipes and hookahs.

Fourth-year business students Nick O’Tine, Tom Backo and Mary Jane founded SSA after spending the summer “getting baked and stuff.”

“We’re really all surprised this thing is taking off, who knew so many people really wanted to smoke,” said O’Tine, before taking a long drag from his cigarette. 

“I never-cough smoked before we-huurf started this movement-ahehhh but now–HEGEUH, now I’m really into it,” chimed Backo in between brief spasms of hacks and wheezes. “I feel so relaxed and my grades-oUGH have never been better.” 

The SSA took their pro-smoking proposal to the Academic Accommodation Support (AAS) office, but were unable to secure approval from the university.

“It’s a stupid idea, it’s going to zero, take it behind the barn and shoot it,” said Shark Tank entrepreneur and part-time student wellbeing councillor Kevin O’Leary. “I’m out.”

Members of the school have mixed feelings on the issue. The Abnormal School spoke with known opinion-haver, professor Henry Myers to gauge where he stood on the matter.

“It’s really just awful! We come to class to learn, this isn’t your parents’ basement. It's disrespectful not only just to me, but the rest of the students who find the smoking distracting and sickening,” said Myers before walking over to a student and asking to “bum a dart.”

In a statement, the university reminded students that smoking or vaping indoors is strictly prohibited.

“Omg stop it guyssss,” read the email.

As for the members of SSA, they remain hopeful for the future of classroom smoking.

“Well this blows,” O’Tine admitted. “But we puff, and TMU just received a huge donation from Imperial Tobacco, so we’ll see who has the last laugh.”