That one professor who's way too fucking old bursts into dust

Students in an economics class were on the receiving end of a ghastly sight when their professor utterly dissolved while wheezing through an 8 a.m. class. 

Dr. Ulysses Cooke has been a tenured professor at Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) since 1963. He was a despised figure amongst staff and students for his exorbitant salary and antiquated worldviews. 

“He once told me that everything’s gone downhill since they let the Roman Catholics vote,” said third-year accounting student Sadie Oluo. 

In the middle of his bi-lecture rant about how he accepts all people–including the homosexuals–Cooke faltered before exploding into dust. 

“All that was left were his orthopedic shoes and his wooden dentures,” said Oluo. “I wish he’d been more sensitive so as to not combust around me. His dust aggravated my asthma.” 

Cooke’s only surviving relative is a distant great-great grandson who declined to receive his ancestor’s particle remains. His dust form will remain scattered on the eighth floor of the Ted Rogers School of Management out of respect for his long tenure, but nothing more.