Nickelodeon backs out of “Slime” deal with TMU

Jeremy Rasskin, a Nickelodeon spokesperson, announced yesterday that the deal to supply TMU with their trademark “slime,” has been canceled.

“It is with a heavy heart and hand that Nickelodeon announces we have no other option than to sever ties with the esteemed institution, especially on such short notice near Halloween when slime is in such high demand across North America,” said Rasskin. 

According to Nickelodeon.Fandom.com, Nickelodeon’s iconic green “slime,” is a mixture of vanilla pudding, apple sauce, oatmeal, green food colouring and an unknown secret ingredient.

TMU announced the coveted deal earlier this year in a press conference, stating while covered in the viscous substance: “We got the goop! It’s gonna be leaking all outta the walls n shiiiittt, mmhhmmm fuckkkk. It’s gonna be soooo scary, BOO, hahaha, gotcha’, hehe :P.”

Rasskin expressed concerns that the slime would be misused by the university and damage Nickelodeon’s reputation. 

“Our covert campus insiders have returned detailed reports that TMU is already overflowing with their own various slimes, sludges, goops and gak-like substances,” said Rasskin “Not only do they have a healthy supply, we fear they are going to use our good goop in a malicious attempt to cover up their bad goop and in turn tarnish the sacred Nickelodeon brand,” 

“We are still recovering from certain Schnider and Bell related controversies,” Rasskin continued. “This is not a direction Nickelodeon wants to continue in.”

Foot fetishists and child traffickers aside, TMU President, Mohamed Lachemi expressed his frustration with the deal and its implications regarding TMU’s relationship with the entertainment company moving forward.

“Brian Robbins, [President of Nickelodeon], will rue the day he crossed me,” said Lachemi. “I don’t know who he thinks he is taking away my slime. I want it. I need it. I thrive on it. It sustains me. It is fun to play with, to eat and the plan to re-commission the Slime Geyser for the first time since 2005 was to be a once-in-a-generation event. We will come to a deal.” 

“If this treatment continues I will have no choice but to open the time capsule,” added Lachemi, referring to the Nickelodeon time capsule which has recently been relocated from Florida to Pitman Hall and is not scheduled to be open until April 30, 2042.  

Nickelodeon insiders say Robbins is unhappy with Lachemi’s “threats,” stating he has a personal stake in the time capsule. 

“Back when they sealed the thing in ‘92 they put some good stuff in there. My money is that Robbins wants the 30-year-old twinkies or the piece of the Berlin Wall,” claims a source whose identity has been concealed for safety reasons.

As of publishing, Robbins’ only response to the Lachemi’s comments have been, “try me.”