Neo-Nazis left disappointed by All-White boat party

It was a night like any other for Captain Ed Boyle of Toronto Metropolitan University’s (TMU) All-White boat party. Captain Boyle would steer his luxury yacht around the Toronto Islands as the guests above and below deck danced the night away to the DJ who had been hired to spin tunes at the event. 

The captain had done this route over a thousand times throughout his career and according to him there had never been an incident worse than the drowning of 6-year-old Taneesha McGowan in 2006, meaning for almost twenty years he had a clean record. 

All that changed this September. 

“I had bought the tickets after seeing an ad on Instagram,” said Rani Chandpuri, an incoming TMU student. “It was pitched to me as a way to get to know new people and see more of Toronto.”

Organizer Olivia Abbott elaborated. 

“The point of an all-white party is to wear all white clothing,” said Abbott. “Clearly some people didn’t get the memo. These guys were dressed in stuff that looked like it was from The Gap or LL Bean. Really unfashionable and very much not white.” 

“They had tried to carry flags on board but security had confiscated them,” Chandpuri said, trying to give the visitors the benefit of the doubt. 

As Captain Boyle disembarked they were beginning to get rowdy and furiously chanting in German and Old Norse, Captain Boyle had to find a way to diffuse the situation. 

“First I saw them, I knew their type,” said Captain Boyle. “Before I got this boat driving gig I was in the prison system, did some things I wasn’t too proud of for protection, but in the end I was a reformed man.” 

When asked what “their type” referred to the captain clarified that meant Neo Nazis. It became apparent that if the captain didn’t do something quick they could have a race riot break out on the boat. So how did Captain Boyle avoid the Wehrmacht-shaped iceberg? 

“I told them they could steer the ship,” Captain Boyle said, revealing his plan: let die kleiner Hitlers commandeer the party. “I put them in the captain’s seat and they quickly started talking about how they were going to drive the boat into the island and kill everyone on board and whatever.”

Captain Boyle didn’t tell the group that the boat would moor itself on the rocks before it reached the island. What else did he forget to tell them? Well, you know how you give your annoying little cousin the unplugged controller. 

“The big spinny wheel in the middle of the room doesn’t do shit,” said Captain Boyle. “The boat is controlled by computers. We’re not pirates.” 

The rest of the cruise went off without a hitch. The only people who didn’t get what they wanted were, of course, the ones in the company of Captain Boyle. 

“Well obviously we’re disappointed for many reasons,” wrote lightning_sstrikess, a member of the TMU Discord server and an alleged participant in the Neo-Nazi delegation present on that cruise. “My grandfather didn’t leave Argentina for this all-white party to make a mockery of freedom of expression.” 

The All-White boat party has since been renamed to the All-Pastel boat party.