TMU innovates in eco-friendly energy by installing The Salmon Tank beneath Kerr Hall

Toronto Metropolitan University (TMU) is celebrating its most recent endeavor into sustainable energy: a giant tank of wild river salmon under Kerr Hall. 

Larry Mitosis, the resident marine biologist on campus, has been spearheading the project for the past few years.

“They swim in fucking circles,” said Mitosis. “I just kind of went like ‘what if?’ to myself, and we subsequently harnessed the untapped power of the salmon. Some of the other faculty have referred to me as a modern day Poseidon. Look at those little guys go.” 

The tank’s daring design allows the school’s power to be generated completely by the fish swimming endlessly in circles, and has removed the need for an electricity bill entirely. 

The Salmon Tank is only the most recent of many attempts to ‘go green’ by the university, after the previous failures of The Bass Tank and three brave student volunteers on bicycles. 

“The Bass Tank was an unmitigated failure. They swim the wrong way and it just gets too confusing. Nothing confusing about the salmon though,” said Mitosis. 

Major concerns raised by those Mitosis refers to as ‘the naysayers’ include the cost of food for the fish, water for the tanks, and how humane it is to keep thousands of fish trapped in a perpetual motion machine until they die. 

“It’s just not right. Imagine if you were hip to hip with your peers walking in circles forever, in the basement of an old high school. Unreal.” said @ClarkLOVESSalmon, a concerned alumni, in a post on X (formerly known as Twitter).

TMU has yet to respond to the backlash, but plans to have Salmon Tanks set up at the University of Toronto and OCAD University are reportedly in the works.